Thursday, May 18, 2006

The Second Coming

Religion consists in a set of things which the average man thinks he believes and wished he was certain of.

- Mark Twain

I'll admit that it's not exactly two thousand years, but sixteen months is a long time to leave a blog stewing. You know how it is - you put dinner on, settle down in front of the TV for five minutes... Three and a half hours and a Babylon 5 marathon later, smoke's billowing from the oven and the alarm's shrill wail is waking the neighbours.

All the flavour should have gone out of the meal by now. And yet... it's still here - and there're fresh ingredients in the pot, no less. I have to say I'm a little dismayed by the poor showing, though - the internet is not what I thought it was. Sixteen months? The entire blog should be buried in spam by now, but all I got was two offers of porn, a casino deal and a slightly confused US Ranger. Clearly my cult status is sadly lacking.

So perhaps a second coming is required. I'm told Jesus is running late, and the crowd are getting impatient. He hasn't even done a sound check yet! So now's my chance. A young, unsigned talent, waiting for his big chance to explode onto the faith scene...

No, I know my limits. The idea of being bottled off stage by hardcore fans of the sandal-man himself doesn't appeal, so I'll keep my god complex to myself and make do with a return performance in this blog. Rambling and eccentric as my writings are, perhaps in another two thousand years a scavenger picking over the ruins of Earth might come across them and draw some sort of spiritual enlightenment from them. Perhaps he might spread the word? Add a few gospels of his own? Pass the writings down the ages, with each generation mangling them further...? This is all veering a little too close to a Chris de Burgh lyric, so I'll abandon that train of thought before it derails.

Nonetheless, faith can spring from all sorts of places. If the bizarre fantasies of a second-rate science fiction writer can inspire a bunch of high-profile believers, perhaps there's hope for me yet. Now I think about it, though, your very own religion seems to come with an unpleasantly heavy set of responsibilities, and I can't even cope with paying the phone bill. Think of all the things done in the name of god (any god), and it'll set you weeping. Crucifixion, crusades and intolerance, and that's without the fire-and-brimstone half of the Bible. Don't even get me started on televangelism - there's a wealth of hypocrisy commited in the name of God right there.

Jesus isn't the only one, though. I'm sure even L. Ron Hubbard's looking down from the great Spaceship-Beyond-The-Veil to which all SF writers go, and wishing he could manifest a leg with which to give Tom Cruise such a kicking. In Hubbard's name, most likely a few hundred people in need of mental help will go off their meds. Tom Cruise told them Psychologists are evil, and he's a movie star. He must know what he's talking about!

Count me out, thanks. I've no particular desire to take the blame for future crimes, be they murder, genocide or simple religious idiocy. You see, that's what I dislike the most. With religion comes absolution, the idea that the buck can be passed to an entity that may or may not exist, and that I just can't accept.

I'm reminded of a story, most likely apocryphal, told of the German military towards the end of World War Two. Hitler had been on the receiving end of a couple of assassination attempts, and as a result the general order was passed that any officer suspected of plotting against him could be immediately executed, without trial, by whoever suspected them. A rather extreme precaution, and one open to the most horrendous abuse. Schütze Freidrich's Oberleutnant yells at him for having a quick smoke behind the barracks? Big mistake. What's to stop Freidrich, upset at losing his roll-up, yelling "You betrayed the Führer!" and putting a bullet in his commander?

Nobody has the right to unconditional absolution. Each and every creature on the Earth must take responsibility for their own actions. Anything else, it seems to me, is simple cowardice.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

A fine return to the blogosphere indeed, full of semi-coherent rambly goodness and sweeping statements. :)

I always found the idea of absolute absolution kind of necessary in a world where you have an omniscient, omnipotent, perfect judge guaging your every thought and deed against an objective morality system.

Anyways, aren't you already high priest of the church of bagpuss?

Unknown said...

Well, there's nothing like a sweeping statement for getting rid of the dust. Just what was required, in this case.

It's not that I don't agree with the idea of absolution. It's always possible to be redeemed. No, what I hate is the belief that something so trivial as a declaration of 'In God's name!' can wipe the slate clean, no matter the crime.

'Get out of jail free' cards are for Monopoly, not the real world. And while I might disagree with you on the existence of said judge, it doesn't really make any difference.

If He exists, then faith in him allows any crime to be forgiven. Arab-murdering crusader? Heaven's this way, sir. Mind the step. Islamic suicide bomber? Mohammed's been expecting you.

All those inquisitors, unexpected Spaniards or otherwise, carrying out tortures and horrors in the name of God? Very devout, I'd imagine, and scripture would have them whisked up to the Holy City with nary a qualm. It shouldn't work like that.

If simple faith weighs heavier on the scales than a lifetime of sin, there's something wrong.

Bagpuss doesn't care. He's a cat - sinner or saint, He'll get bored with you soon enough, and find a new toy. At least He doesn't pretend it makes a difference.

Anonymous said...

Think it's supposed to be a bit more than simply believing God exists, there's a whole spiel about Jesus dying for peoples sins so that we don't have to - and accepting him as ones own personal saviour. Which is the bit I always found kind of interesting about Christianity.
"Hi, I'm God and I made y'all (in my own image by the by. How nascississtic am I!). Here are the rules that you have to live your life by, aren't they simple and easy? Awesomeness. Oh, break any one of them at all, even a little bit, and you're going straight to hell.

Here's the fun bit though. I set things up in such a way that you can't help breaking them! Hah!

Guess that's kinda harsh though. Tell you what I'll send my son (who's also me) down and he'll redeem you all, taking all the sin for himself by letting dying on a big wooden object. Aren't I generous? Only he won't really die, because he's God! Don't think about that too much, K?

Anyway! So yeah, all you have to do to not go to hell is believe in him and how awesome he (and by he, I mean me) was! Oh and try not to be too crappy to each other in the meantime. Then, when you die, so long as you're all remorseful and believe in how awesome I am, doesn't matter what you did, you can come up to heaven after all! Oh, try not to wonder what happened to all the people who died in the BC too. We don't like to talk about that.

In conclusion, I rock!!"

Perhaps that's the reason faith - actually casting all rational doubt aside and believing utterly - isn't easy. And of course, if all that matters to God is faith - which is an interpretation it's fairly easy to lay on the bible - then it's a win-win situation. Heretic being tortured'll probably end up believing anything before they die, army of infidels (who actually believe in the same god anyway, but pah to that!) all die for their belief (as if that actually means anything. So much harder to live what you believe every day without sucumbing to rational thought, temptation or doubt.)

Quite apart from which, how do you decide when someone's been punished enough for their sins? One murder + a really crappy life in jail after that = couple of years in hell, then you're all scrubbed clean! Good work! Or do you just leave them 'till they're really sorry and won't do it again? Is wrong really wrong if you believe it's not?

...

Apologies for the semi-coherent ranting that's not actually going anywhere, I'm knackered and need a revision-break. =s

Anonymous said...

Ahhh i'd forgotten what a joy it is to read what you write. It is a soothing style :D

See I finally got around to reading this again.

Hat'ed One

Unknown said...

I think accepting Jebus as your own personal saviour is part and parcel of what evangelical Christians would consider faith - if you haven't done that, then you don't really believe.

I used to have long conversations (meaning arguments) with my CU-devoted housemates about this, and what it all boiled down to was that 'not believing in God' was basically so great a sin that it outweighed all the rest.

If you believed, then on your death Jebus would take the burden of your sin from you and you would enter Heaven. If you didn't, then not only would He not take your burden, but you'd have the weight of not-believing on your shoulders, too. Straight to Hell, do not pass Go, do not collect £absolution...

It's spiritual bribery, and I think it's despicable.

On a lighter note, the California-stoner take on God was hilarious. It's the part that comes after that's most interesting, though.

When have you suffered enough punishment? And who has the right to decide? Ideally, punishment should result in remorse and redemption, an attempt to make good on your crimes. How often does that happen, though? So clearly something's not working.